“i know it’s an awful thing to say, but someone had to tell you.”
if it’s not love, it’s time.
if it’s not time, it’s money.
if it’s not money, it’s health.
there will always be something.
always.
even if, to the observer, you seem to have it - you’ll still seem to want it. or it doesn’t feel like you imagine it would. you’ll be trying to figure out why for the rest of your life.
maybe you lost it.
maybe you got too used to it.
maybe you used it all up and got broke.
maybe it was transistory, stuck in one moment in time. you had in once, then it disappeared, like a breeze. or a joke that only made sense in the moment.
maybe it was one of those fucking really important things. you know, things like…
true friendship
companionship on a nervous night
someone to listen to you gripe
maybe a warm dinner after a long day of work
someone to sleep next to you at night
maybe it’s someone to call when you feel like you’ve had enough of it all.
maybe it’s a good job, a real career, a goal, a sense that there’s something tomorrow, waiting for you
maybe it’s a great fucking, like, pile of drugs to disconnect your head.
maybe it’s a sense of pride in what you’ve done with your time.
maybe it’s a website that makes people happy
maybe it’s a set of teeth that don’t look like they’ve been chewing on rocks for a decade
maybe it’s a cold beer
maybe it’s an internet empire that destroys an old media cartel
maybe it’s a girlfriend
maybe it’s just a girl that smiles when she says your name
maybe it’s just someone to do the dishes with
maybe it’s an escape, when the true panic starts to set in, when the walls creep in
maybe it’s a successful compile when time it really counts. maybe it’s getting rid of that feeling in your stomach that you don’t think you have what it takes to be able to do the things that you need to do.
maybe it’s feeling something, anything, at all.
it’ll always be something.
at least, for me.
i always feel half right. half full, half satiated. half drunk, even though it’s been more than a year and half.
there’s always something.
and that makes me a fiend.
because i have been blessed, for sure, yet i still want more.
